WHY ON EARTH DO WE GET MARRIED?

So, the big day approaches, and the essentials are ready, a cute little or big church as you so desire, a huge hall house for the reception and you’ve found a Pastor, who has no objection to marrying a divorced, single or “partly married lady”.

It’s all set.

All we have to do now is finalise the caterers, enforce my beloved’s aesthetic on the marquee people, arrange the flowers, the bar, the cars, (I guess the groom does all these – but we might have to do together), the seating, the honeymoon, send out more invites, get the morning dress built and get someone to make a wedding dress.

Isn’t it that easy?

Many years ago, when I was a lot younger, I used to think marriage was a proper way of cementing a long or short term friendship between a man and woman or a boy and a girl as it implies. But different were the meanings people around me read to it – from family members, friends and enemies, they all taught it meant more than that – what exactly I don’t know.

Seems like a good point to ask: Why do men and women get married? It is after all, a universal idea found in some form in every known human society. And yet we all constantly make jokes about “being the best parent in the world” and say we “ are going to live to be a great father/mother to our kids, how we can’t afford to let work come between us and our children, but don’t we?
















So why the abiding obsession?

Childhood memories come right back at me, those times when we shared scenes of plays that defined marriage entirely different from what we’ve come to see everyday in our present day lives. Then, we all acted marriage as if “marriage is a property contract”. And we would dutifully write it down in our colour-coded jotters we kept as journals, red in for a dangerous comment, blue for the take note and pencil for the ‘do-it-everyday’ note. If you get caught doing any of the ‘red ink notes’ in public you’ll be given a regurgitating knock on your head...Ewww, which was quite a painful one.

I didn’t believe any that then and I don’t believe it now, just did to keep neighbourhood friends though. How can modern marriage be a property contract? Ok, my dad once told me that back then when you would ask a ‘Lord’ for the hand of one of his 16 daughters in marriage and he would look you up and down and say “yes”, confirming you’re good enough – materially and mentally speaking here – “then it was the meeting of two estates” I would respond. So long as it looked like you had “prospects” (or your father owns Eleganza) he would say, “Be my guest, sunshine and here is my contribution towards the marriage.”

But marriage is not a property contract any more when all you’re really bringing to the table is two tiny but fabulously expensive flats and two CD collections with the same empty boxes. Incidentally, can anyone explain why the plastic boxes in which you store CDs are called “jewel cases”? What the hell is that about? In reality, they are flimsy little shards of the cheapest recycled plastic, which shatter the first time you try to get them out of the tightest shrink-wrapping invented. Now, if CDs really did come in jewel-encrusted case, or merely cases made of ultra-thin, shaved down panels of pure jewel – diamonds, say – then marriage really would be a property contract. But no, when marriage consists of an exorbitantly expensive wedding and then the amalgamation of two lots of chipped crockery and the realisation that you now have two juicers when you never used either one in the first place how can it possibly is called a “property contract”?

Which brings us back to the question: why does marriage even exist? Marriage, huh, what is it good for? If people get married for “a public declaration of love”, well, I could do that a lot more cheaply and effectively by taking out a billboard in Lagos or cheaper still, by fly posting, or by giving a bunch of teenagers spray cans and telling them to go and daub graffiti near Lagos Island’s fashionable bars, so that celebrities would stagger out of clubs and bars at three o’clock in the morning with a girl on each arm and as they looked down to avoid the pop of the paparazzi flashlights, they would see there stencilled on the pavement in front of their eyes, the words, “ Mart 4 You”. I assume they call it viral marketing, so we all can get married by the day and avoid long-term savings, then we can simply call it “a public declaration of love”.

As for “the formation of a family unit”, well, tell that to anyone who’s living in sin with a partner and their children from a previous liaison: instant family, no need for marriage there, ask few celebrities.
Or, “legitimising sexual relations”; what is this? The 1890s? As we’ve all merrily been having sex since we were barely able to walk, and half the country has children every afternoon out of wedlock while the other half looks on, the idea that we need marriage to legitimise sex is totally absurd. It’s not as if you ever get shouted at on the street corners for getting spotted with your hand down the jumper of someone who isn’t wearing your ring. Well, not in Lagos anyway.
As for “legal, social and economic stability”, the figures for divorce rates put the lie to that little charade. For instance, did you know Nigeria has the lowest divorce rate in the world?
What about “the education and nurturing of children”? Well, my old headmaster and teacher were both deeply committed to the education and nurturing of children back then in Primary School and they didn’t feel the urge to put on a big white dress and walk around a church, so I guess that’s not good enough reason to get married.
There was a fantastic article I read online recently last year which seemed to imply that marriage wasn’t really of any benefit to men whatsoever, and because of that wives should lie around on their backs with their legs open at all times while using one hand to stir bubbling pot of coq au vin and the other to administer correction to an unruly five year-old. At one point, the female author actually wrote “Husbands are mostly quite simple. Generally what they want is unlimited sex, constant reassurance, good food and plenty of freedom, or at least three of these four.”
Unfortunately I checked, and she’s already spoken for. So, why do people get married? Well, it’s love actually. Though obviously people only really get married to keep the parents happy. This is why I will be hoping my future in-laws read this piece and get the massive hint to pay for the whole thing. To be honest, the idea of introducing his parents to my family fills me with dread. But such is the price they pay for gaining a daughter, I guess.